Fireflies

The other day I saw my first fireflies of the season and it felt like pure magic. It was such a fleeting moment, it got me thinking about how some people might not even notice fireflies anymore. Or, perhaps there are people out there who notice them but they don’t overflow with a childlike joy so potent that it cannot be contained??? Like at BEST maybe they say “cool” before carrying on with their lives. And I haven’t decided which scenario feels like more of a bummer- to not notice at all, or to notice and disregard (of course there is also the secret third bummer- which is that their populations are declining so they’re just more difficult to notice in general)... 

But the very moment that I saw their glow and I felt my entire being glow right back with them, I realized something incredibly healing. My whole life (not all the time, but enough of the time some of the time) I have been trying to grab people by their face and shout LOOK, I GLOW, DON’T YOU SEE ME, CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I GLOW?! 

I wanted people to see me so badly. I’d be devastated if they didn’t, or if I could tell that their perception of me felt lost in translation. I’ve also actively dimmed my glow for the sake of others (which is a dumb thing to do- don’t do that). But in that moment, seeing my first firefly of the season, I felt this realization that the fireflies glow regardless of who does or doesn't appreciate their glow (like yes, I recognize that they want to be seen SO badly by mates) fine- but they’re not altering their glow to do it (I don’ think? Idk- I’m realizing that I’m no firefly expert here). In my mind, they’re glowing regardless of who is or isn’t noticing them.

I want to glow regardless too. I don’t need to monitor who witnesses me. I don’t need to put any of my energy towards curating how I’m being perceived- and let me just stop you right there because yes, I hear it as I’m typing it: the more I dig into this analogy, the less relevant this firefly example starts to feel- what with the whole fireflies LITERALLY glowing to attract mates logic… But maybe that even is an oversimplification? Sure, the goal, as science explains it, is for the firefly to find their mate. But is the glow itself not a representation of who that firefly is- showing up as its full firefly self to attract a good match? Unless it’s a gaslighting, two faced, fake ass firefly with a highly curated personality who turns out to be a piece of shit??? I actually don’t know what to think anymore. Did the firefly gaslight me? No- there’s something magic here still I swear!

Also! Isn’t it funny how I said “I don’t need to put any of my energy towards curating how I’m being perceived” and then immediately nose dove into an assumption on how I could be perceived? I didn’t even clock it ‘til I was proof reading- and honestly? What a delight! I don’t think people like contradictions- or I think they think maybe they’re not supposed to like contradictions? Or maybe everybody actually loves contradictions and I’ve assigned it to them that they don’t? In any case, I love a contradiction! It’s gotta be cheeky tho- not harmful! Or if I’m being honest, I guess I felt pressure to force that distinction, but really, maybe I think on a cosmic scale there’s something to admire about any contradiction. Can you appreciate the art of something but not condone it? Is seeing poetry in the fucked up stuff a regular power or a super power? I’m glad to see the poetry otherwise all there is to see sometimes is the fucked up.

Back to my firefly point. From the particular angle at the particular moment where I had my particularly healing realization- the analogy worked. And sometimes I think that’s good enough. If something floats for a little, I want to be the person who closes her eyes and floats alongside it rather than spend my energy poking holes all over just to watch it sink. (I’ll do the hole poking after I experience a taste of delight, but right before anybody else can beat me to the punch, as a sort of self-deprecating self-defense tactic) (WHICH, keep in mind, when it comes to self depreciation: beating someone to the punch still results in you getting punched)!!! Noted! I’ll add that to the "behavior patterns to address” bin- I’m sure we’ll explore it in depth some other time!

But also while we’re pickin’ up rocks to see what’s crawling beneath- is it hole poking or just exploring other perspectives? I think it depends on who’s askin’, bud!

There’s a lot to detangle and unpack here and that’s kinda the point of this whole blog, isn’t it? (that last line in bold feels best if read in a British accent, I think. At the very least maybe you could let the T from “isn’t” blend into the word “it” so it sounds like tit). 

For now, back to the fireflies… I’ll say it and I’ll try really hard to stand by it regardless of how other people perceive this.

Glow. Those who recognize your magic will appear.